Woman

Woman. I’m a woman. An 18 year old woman–sounds like an oxymoron. How can I be a woman? There is so much I have yet to see, feel, hear, taste. I’m still lost. I carry my background and past like a bullet vest. How can I desire to live the adventure I want when I’m dissolved by voices and tears and promises. How can I think straight when my thoughts blend into the walls it is meant to echo from.

Years later, and I’m still here. In a small space in my mind. I want to run. Run free. I want to yell. Yell loudly.

I’m terrified. No matter my anger, my drive, I’m still scared. Only love can penetrate my worries. A blossoming love is a darkening rose with ripe thorns. I don’t want the petals to fall, and the fear returns.

Love. I’ve spent my life swerving and swinging. But this goes beyond a romance. This goes into who I am. Such an empty question.

I’m a warrior. I simply fight as I run. I run to explore, for thrill, for search of the sun’s soul.

What am I supposed to do?

I’m here in the city.

I made it.

Yet I still feel so empty.

I’m hopeful, I’m driven.

But towards what?

I know what I want.

Adventure, conversation, change, love, breathlessness, thrill, exploration.

I’m already 18. There is so much I have left to do. I can’t be a woman. A woman is developed. A woman is a woman. I want to be nothing so I can be everything. I want to go beyond the expectations and definition of a woman. I don’t want a damn definition. I want to fucking live. That’s it. Done.

I don’t want to be anything. I want to feel and breathe everything .

I barely make sense to myself.

I lose my focus so easily. How can I stay on this path, stay driven, stay wild, stay dreaming? How can I live the life I have always read and dreamed about when I’m living in this reality?

How can I live the life I want when I live one I don’t.

But I can’t leave.

I’ve never even thought of it.

I can’t.

There are too many people connected.

I won’t be completely free for a while.

I’m stuck in this reality now. Exploring under terms, breaking in the shadows every so often. Forming what I have into what I want over time. I can do it. I can.

I think I just have to balance more. Stay on this plan I have set out, taking chances to evolve myself and my future every so often. I just have to take more chances as well.

I love him. Not as a woman. As myself.

I’m here not as a woman, but as myself.

Whatever or whoever the hell is that.

-Bel

 

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