A small alternation

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(Don’t worry I wasn’t driving.) There isn’t really a focus in the picture…

After just reading several posts from different amazing blogs I have discovered today, I believe I need to make an alternation. Specifically with my blog. At least with the vision of my blog. When I started  I guess I just wanted to start a blog that reflected just who I am on the outside: quirky, cheerful,  and a bit of a comedian. And I am all the those things, at least I hope so, but besides those things I have more complex characteristics. And through the years I have become more confident and outgoing. And through all my experiences, the good and bad, I have begun to consciously recognize who I am, and who I wish to be. I am pretty aware of my flaws and weakness, but I can also identify my strengths and talents. One of them being that I typically challenge my weaknesses and fears in pursuit of eliminating or at least easing them.

For most of my life I was a closed book. Shut and locked. I was shy and quiet. In my world, my own voice was nonexistent. My voice was always drowned out by others, so eventually I saw no point in saying anything. Now when I saw most of my life, realize that I’m just 17 (although it feels like so much more and yet so little…). I was depressed for a while. And then one day we left my dark little world into a colorful, greater, more exciting one. We spent three weeks there. Three weeks of pure joy, excitement, thrill, and for once in my young life intensely, beautiful happiness. I realized how enormous the world was, and what amazing things there were in life. I saw an indescribable beauty in life and realized that I wanted to be apart of it.

When we returned to Suburbia, the sulking hopelessness and depression that was awaiting me, was transformed in a fire. Into a sharp, controlled, single flame of anger. I’m not happy, and this is not where I want to be. This is not what I want my reality to be. I want more, I want happiness and to escape the scratched, blurry lenses my current perspective was looking through. Short story, we moved. Then moved again. Then once more. In my case, instability oddly came with happiness and excitement. Everywhere we have moved to I have loved, and bright memories from each new setting follow me into my next home.

I plan to moved next year once more, but for college this time. At least if everything goes as I planned. Which is incredibly odd for me. Life was not something planned. It was spontaneous and filled with blind leaps. But for once, I am searching for stability. I am searching for a promise. Because I’m truly scared. No expectations were set for me, I was never really pushed to do well in school. Colleges were for smart, rich kids. Universities were or even smarter and richer kids. At least that was all I was told.

Well, that’s really not the case. I’ve challenged myself academically and personally through school. Taking public speaking classes, AP classes, auditioning for solos, joining clubs, taking on the responsibility of tutoring and babysitting, etc. I feel like I have a sharper, clearer sense of who I am. And I’m not longer afraid to share that with people. I have enough trust in myself, my judgement, and my ideas enough to share them. That is where I am. And that I what I hope my blog will reflect. Along with honesty, candidness, sincerity, freshness, and hopefully a strong and friendly voice.  (As you can tell, I really like adjectives.)

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